Thursday, September 26, 2013
"At the same time I wanna hug you, I wanna wrap my hands around your neck..."
About three times a year (usually with a change of seasons), I work myself into a funk with how things have been going the past few years. I'm not working, I don't look like me, I can't enjoy many of the things that I love, no babies, and I spend more time with my doctors' getting treatments than I do with my family and friends. It's hard to watch everyone around me move on with their lives, while I'm stuck wondering if I'm going to be able to have enough energy to take a shower the next day.
It doesn't last long, a few days at most, where I isolate myself, don't answer calls, and spend time alone. And then, I watch the news and reports of a three-year-old found starved to death, a man shooting up the Navy Yard in DC, or people being held hostage at a shopping mall in Kenya, snap me the fuck out of it.
Woe is me is not my style. Never has been. And I have little (read: no) patience for people who, when asked how things are going, always find something to complain or stress about. That is how life passes you by.
It's no secret that I handle all of this a gajillion times better than Steve, and while I try to keep it real on my blog, it's also not meant for airing out our dirty laundry. But, I'm human, and part of that funk I get myself into has to do with me coping with this shit better than Steve. Always being the strong one gets exhausting.
I hold in most of my frustrations, and I guess after a season's worth builds up, I let it all out. Most usually in the form of picking a fight with Steve. I am a dirty fighter, whereas he avoids confrontation at all costs. Needless to say, it ain't pretty.
Last weekend wasn't pretty in our house.
Sometimes, it's hard to remember that my illnesses don't affect only me, and not everyone has my "I got this" mentality. Even though I wish from time to time Steve dealt with it better, it doesn't make him weaker. We are complete opposites, and most days, it works.
This past weekend... it didn't.
And now it's Thursday, and things are slowly returning to normal. Once the tempers and hurt feelings were able to be put aside, we discussed things like grown-ups. Funny how that works.
This marriage business ain't easy, and at times, we feel like someone took a dump on ours only a few weeks after we said, "I do."
I'm sure this won't be our last fight (sorry Steve), but we have definitely come a long way since two years ago. If nothing else, I just hope that we can learn to help each other endure through this together.