I can't sleep, and all I want to do is gobble a bunch of Oreo's. But, of course, I'm NPO for the surgery later today, and the thought of Oreo's are making me even more cranky.
In a few hours time, my body will no longer be able to make babies. There's no chance of an "ooops!" because the roads will be blocked, so to speak. I know it's for the best, because the point is not to be in the position of having an oops. Peace of mind, I guess.
I can't help but wonder if anyone thinks this is a selfish move. There are women who are much sicker, and at much greater risk for complications, willing to risk it all to carry their own children, because they know they were put on this earth to be a mother.
Me, not so much. I've never felt that way, and I'm not sure if that means I don't have the Mama gene. I WANT to be a mother, I WANT to experience pregnancy, but possibly risk it all for a kid I'd probably drop on its head anyway? No thank you.
I'm bitter things have never come easy. Is it karma for being selfish, doing stupid things in college, for shoplifting from JC Penny's in high school, being a bad friend or a bad wife at times? A friend once told me I was lucky because good things always happen and come so easy for me. I wanted to slap the shit out of her. Hi, have we met? I hate feeling bitter. It's not my style. You know I'm much more of a 'bring it, bitch" type of gal.
I don't even know where I'm going with this, I'm just sad. Sad that I have to make this choice, sad watching everyone around me not have to, and sad for Steve. I know this isn't what he signed up for.
Anyway, just send some good thoughts my way that everything is going smoothly in the OR!
On a happy note, today is my precious PJ's 4th birthday! I hate that I'm not there to give my handsome guy birthday hugs and kisses, but we had a pretty kick ass birthday party over the weekend.
Happy Birthday, PJ! Aunt Marla loves you SOOOOO much!!!!