Tuesday, November 26, 2013

To sacrifice but knowing to survive...



I can't sleep, and all I want to do is gobble a bunch of Oreo's. But, of course, I'm NPO for the surgery later today, and the thought of Oreo's are making me even more cranky.

In a few hours time, my body will no longer be able to make babies. There's no chance of an "ooops!" because the roads will be blocked, so to speak.  I know it's for the best, because the point is not to be in the position of having an oops. Peace of mind, I guess.

I can't help but wonder if anyone thinks this is a selfish move. There are women who are much sicker, and at much greater risk for complications, willing to risk it all to carry their own children, because they know they were put on this earth to be a mother.

Me, not so much. I've never felt that way, and I'm not sure if that means I don't have the Mama gene. I WANT to be a mother, I WANT to experience pregnancy, but possibly risk it all for a kid I'd probably drop on its head anyway? No thank you.

I'm bitter things have never come easy. Is it karma for being selfish, doing stupid things in college, for shoplifting from JC Penny's in high school, being a bad friend or a bad wife at times? A friend once told me I was lucky because good things always happen and come so easy for me. I wanted to slap the shit out of her. Hi, have we met? I hate feeling bitter. It's not my style. You know I'm much more of a 'bring it, bitch" type of gal.

I don't even know where I'm going with this, I'm just sad. Sad that I have to make this choice, sad watching everyone around me not have to, and sad for Steve. I know this isn't what he signed up for.

Anyway, just send some good thoughts my way that everything is going smoothly in the OR!

On a happy note, today is my precious PJ's 4th birthday! I hate that I'm not there to give my handsome guy birthday hugs and kisses, but we had a pretty kick ass birthday party over the weekend.

Happy Birthday, PJ! Aunt Marla loves you SOOOOO much!!!!

LOVE him!!!!

14 comments:

  1. Anyone who thinks YOU'RE selfish for what you're about to do is a dick biscuit. That's all I can say about that without totally going on a tirade. Good luck today! Love you!

    Happy happy birthday, PJ!

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  2. I do not think you are selfish! That is nonsense! He is sooo cute!

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  3. You have to do what you feel is right. One of my favorite aunt's refused to have children of her own because of all of her health problems. She feared passing on everything she suffered from onto her own children. She has two stepdaughters that she loves as if they were her own. She is a great aunt and mother, but she made that choice not to experience her own pregnancy. It's your choice, it's not selfish. Good luck today!

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  4. This post made my heart hurt for you - but I agree with the above gals, that you're making the best decision for YOU. Which is what you have to do. Not that you're asking for approval from anyone; I get that you're just putting it out there. Love the post and that you were still able to write it with some humor. Sending positive vibes and good thoughts your way, for a successful surgery and nice recovery... P.S., I'm adding "dick biscuit" to my vocabulary this very minute!

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  5. Sweet sassy Marla, I don't believe for one second that you're making a selfish decision. You have to think about your health as number one. There are so many of us that cant have children for countless reasons. Nope its not fair and it sucks. Steve married you for better for worse, good times and bad. You have a precious nephew and you can adopt if you want a child. Chin up Buttercup! I am praying right now and sending all positive thoughts your way. I want to hug you so bad so please just know that i'm with you holding your hand. Muah! xoxo

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  6. You are not not not not selfish and please direct anyone who says you are my way so I can punch them in their dick biscuit faces.

    I'm sorry you have the sads over this. In time, this too will heal. But it sucks now.

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    Replies
    1. Steph, I'll stomp while you hold. Also, dick biscuit. I wanted to say it, too.

      I have much to say, but I can't type all of it on this stupid iPad. So, upside down. I love you.

      Delete
  7. thinking of you today. you are so strong and amazing. proud of who you are.

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  8. Already been praying for you today. You are so not selfish. It's the decision I would make and I'm POSITIVE it's the decision my husband would want me to make.
    I'll be waiting for your next post.

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  9. You, selfish? Not a chance! I'm thinking of you today, and all the oreos you'll soon get to have.

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  10. Thinking about you today!! It's 11:30 your time so you're probably out of surgery by now, hopefully. And I hope you were able to resist Oreos last night. I thought of you when I was buying groceries and walked down the cookie aisle. (I'm happy to report I did NOT succumb to tempation and buy Oreos). But enough about Oreos. I wish I had the perfect words to make you feel better! I don't think you are selfish AT ALL, and I'd challenge you to find anyone who would disagree. I think you did the right thing. I know it's not what you and Steve had planned for your life, but really when does life go according to plan? And I also think its ok to be bitter sometimes. For the most part you have such an amazing outlook and are able to deal with things using your humor and wit. But it's ok to just be angry sometimes, because as cliche as it sounds, life really isn't fair. Like, at all. And this is one of those times when I think you just need to let yourself feel the anger and bitterness of the situation...and then, let yourself move past it. Stay strong!!

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  11. I hope everything went ok today. Been thinking about you. You aren't selfish. Too bad you are even forced to make this choice.

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  12. I wish I could shower you with Oreos and hugs today!
    You are in no way selfish, don't ever let that enter your mind my love.
    And don't ever doubt how strong and brave you are. Xx

    Also, Happy Birthday Darling PJ!!

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  13. Oh my girl. I love your bravery in making this decision. I am sorry I've been out of the loop and missed this important post. Please know that I am sending you a butt load of peace and happiness. And love. I have a big butt too, so the amount I am sending should suffice.

    ReplyDelete

Comments, coffee and bacon rock my socks! But, since you can't leave coffee or bacon (they really should make an app for that), then leave me some comments! I love hearing from you, and always do my best to reply to everyone. <3

She's a small wonder

She's a small wonder
Thirty-something foul-mouthed girly-girl. Wife. Kitty mama. Daughter. Sister. Aunt. Friend. Pediatric Cardiac ICU nurse. Wannabe super hero. Lives life to the fullest with systemic lupus erythematosous, an assortment of autoimmune diseases, and congenital heart disease.

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