Can I handle the seasons of my life?
Hello my loves,
It’s been 6 weeks back at work, and I’m… exhausted. In the wise words of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, my life got flipped turned upside-down. I feel like I’ve been in a daze, yet at the same time it feels the past 5 years didn’t actually happen. On my first day back at CHOP I walked in the main entrance, took in the hustle and bustle and it was like I never left. It’s like when you graduate college, thinking that you’ve made your mark, created memories, and your legend will live on forever. Yet, when you return years later, you realize you are just as much a memory for it as it was for you- real life isn’t like Van Wilder. It’s business as usual in your absence. It was surreal.
I sat in orientation and reflected on all I’ve been through since I stopped working in 2012, questioning if I’m ready physically and mentally to return to the work force. I had my picture taken for my ID , and a few hours later I was given my shiny new badge. No going back now.
A few years ago, I went to a new doctor hoping he could give me some answers. He looked at my chart and said “Woah, tetralogy of Fallot AND lupus? That sucks.” (no fuck, Captain Obvious. Did you read about the cancer, too?) “How do you manage?”
I told him that was the reason I came to him, you know, to help me manage. In the end, he didnt do so hot in the helping me manage part, but he was cute. So there’s that.
I digress. I was running through the last 5 years. 5 surgeries. I got my port after my nurses finally refused to administer chemo peripherally. I had the inside of my uterus
fried heated up to a balmy 200 degrees and my tubes were tied. Surgery on my butthole. Double mastectomy. Reconstruction. I lost my hair, my ability to have children, my breasts, at times my sanity, and once or twice, my dignity due to lovely GI side effects (read: shitting myself in Wegman’s and Old Navy).
Now as I start this new chapter, I have to not only manage my health in this shit-show we call a healthcare system, but I have to learn how to provide care to others while still putting my own health first. And now I’m forging ahead in this journey without a partner. He didn’t play a huge role in all of this to begin with (not a dig at all, it’s just the truth), plus being married to a sick person, especially when the sick person is me, is not an easy thing. But going at it alone… just… sucks.
It’s so many changes at once, which I guess is cliche, yet apropos, considering summer is coming to an end. As I muddle through all of this, I’ll try to keep up with my blog as much as I can. I feel like I’ve had writer’s block since my double mastectomy and just haven’t had the motivation to write (was my brain in one of my boobs?????). That surgery is when a lot of things in my life began to shift. But looking back, I still would have that surgery if I had to choose again. If relationships had been truly stable, they would have survived.
Bear with me, please.
Love you all <3