Luck Fupus

A lupus blog…

And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time…

Oh 2016, I’m not sorry to see you go.

Health-wise 2016 was no doubt the best year I’ve have since 2010, but personally? Well, 2016 can suck it.

It was the first year I haven’t had any type of surgery in FIVE YEARS. Crazy, right? It was odd when the holidays rolled around and there was nothing scheduled to go under the knife.

2012- Port placement
2013- Hydrothermablation and tubal ligation
2014- Breast biopsy, butthole surgery, and double mastectomy with reconstruction
2015- Breast reconstruction/implant placement

Rather than test me physically, 2016 kicked my ass on a more mental, personal level; as most of you know, my husband and I separated, and we are moving forward with divorce proceedings. He may or may not agree, but I feel like it took my getting to a more stable place in terms of my treatments (thank you, McDicky) to finally realize how far we had grown apart. I was so wrapped up with the next treatment, the next surgery, the next failed drug, cutting off my breasts so I could be around longer for he and I, that when things finally slowed down, I was face-to-face with the countless ways it took its toll on our marriage.

While developing all these shit diseases so soon after we said “I do” is certainly not my fault, it’s impossible not to cast blame on myself. My body failed me, and in turn, led to our failed marriage. To growing resentment. To shattered dreams. Dramatic, perhaps. But hey, this is me, Drama Queen extraoidinaire. As I sit here in my favorite Starbucks typing away ferociously, tears streaming down my face, hating my body for the way it betrayed me. Betrayed US.

The logical part of my brain (no really, I do have one of those!) knows that one person does not a failed marriage make. But, it’s much too easy to think “What if?” and dream of our life without lupus, without cancer, without faulty pulmonary valves, with nipples and a few children of our own.

I never wanted to feel like I was loved despite lupus- despite cancer- despite infertility; I wanted to be loved because of all those things, for being a bad-ass and staying strong when someone else might have thrown in the towel long ago.

Today, our beautiful home is for sale, we’ve sold so many things online that neither of us will have room or use for. I’ve moved into my own apartment (90 seconds away from my sister, of course), and I’ve started using my maiden name for non-legal purposes. I even learned the art of swiping left or right on some dating apps.

Seriously Millenials, is this what’s dating become?!?!?!

Each day becomes a little bit easier, and starting over doesn’t feel quite so daunting or scary.

So 2017, I welcome with you open arms. Please be kind.

Comments

  1. Love you you, may this be an easier year for you to navigate personally and health-wise!

  2. Nicole says:

    Love you.

    You’ve dealt with so much in your life, but you still manage to stay awesome and kick ass.

  3. Olga Wexler says:

    Marla, I have know from the moment of your birth that you have always been as strong as you are special. You have battled so long, given up so much. My prayer for you going forward is for all that you need, most of what you want and the BEST quality of life❤

  4. Linda Sheridan says:

    Ok, you’ve edured enough for 10 life times, Saint Marla! Goddess speed for all the good stuff you desire and require and more! Glad you are near your sister and awesome nephew!
    Love and lights and Angels and magic🦄!
    Steph’s Momma

  5. Melissa says:

    The whole cliché “everything happens for a reason”… Yeah hate me now. Lol. It might not all happen for a reason and who knows when things will turn for the better but right when I thought it couldn’t get worse (ex taking daughter from me and dragging my ass through the mud with court/custody fight/mental health evaluations (yes, several… and girl, despite lupus I rocked it and he didn’t do as well as me. Oh well.), it was crazy how I found my hubby and his (and now also my) daughter. So, screw you to Marla’s 2016 and I am going to pray my heart out that my 2009 turns into your 2017. You’re so amazing and deserve someone who loves you because of how bad ass you are. Someone who looks at you and cannot stop thinking about how you are both gorgeous AND incredibly strong.

  6. Jennie says:

    My heart truly goes out to you. i wish I could take an ounce of your pain away or give you at least one of your dreams. You’re an amazing and inspiring person who has been dealt an awful hand, no one deserves to be tested so much. I do wish health and happiness for 2017, I personally am glad to see 2016 go! You’re in my thoughts, lots of love!

  7. Rachel B says:

    Thanks for opening up and sharing all this! It sounds like a really tough year but here’s to a kick ass 2017!! You are so awesome and I am constantly inspired by you!

  8. Penny says:

    Starting over is hard. I learned that physical pain is nothing compared to emotional heartache, so I’m sorry you have to endure this. “But on you will go, though the weather be fowl…”

  9. M says:

    *sigh* Screw 2916, indeed. We have even more in common than I thought (hooray? NOT hooray?). But as for this past year…I hope this new one is just nothing but beautiful for you.

  10. Bells says:

    I’m so sorry to hear this 🙁 you’re a tough cookie and I know you’ll be fine but hugs anyway xxx

  11. Cheryl Roberts says:

    What was it about 2016? Mine was rough medically and emotionally. 2017 needs to be nice.
    ~crosses fingers~

  12. Brandi says:

    Girl! This post was amazing and totally strong of you to write! Divorce is not easy…been there, done that, got the t-shirt. But from reading your blog and following on social media you seem like one hell of a strong bad ass girl and you will definitely get through it with flying colors!

    When I went back into the dating world I was totally over it but found someone when I wasn’t looking for something serious. We have been together for over 4 years and that dude is my absolute best friend and so happy we found each other. But I truly believe I wouldn’t have found him if I didn’t go through the shit I did before.

    Best of luck to you and hopefully 2017 will be surgery free as well!!

  13. Sending you so much love! I relate too well, I’m still too wrapped up in treatments and procedures and trying to get my health better managed to feel able to assess the damage to my own marriage and decide whether we will move forward together or separately. But I figure that when things do quiet down I’ll be able to see better. Your words here hit so close to my own thoughts. I don’t want to be loved despite it all, I want to be loved because of it!!! Sending you so much love and cheers to amazing new beginnings in 2017 😘

  14. Stephanie says:

    Hello,
    A friend of mine told me about you, she thought we should communicate. I have tetrology of fallot and never talk to anyone who knows how it feels physically and emotionally . Would love to chat. Thanks for ur time
    Steph

  15. grace says:

    your awesome and i can relate in so many ways every year i did my tests i’d get a new diagnosis and it took a long time to get to know my limits and scheduling is everything . keep on swiping til you find someone who truly loves you you’ll find them . sending spoons

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