And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time…
Oh 2016, I’m not sorry to see you go.
Health-wise 2016 was no doubt the best year I’ve have since 2010, but personally? Well, 2016 can suck it.
It was the first year I haven’t had any type of surgery in FIVE YEARS. Crazy, right? It was odd when the holidays rolled around and there was nothing scheduled to go under the knife.
2012- Port placement
2013- Hydrothermablation and tubal ligation
2014- Breast biopsy, butthole surgery, and double mastectomy with reconstruction
2015- Breast reconstruction/implant placement
Rather than test me physically, 2016 kicked my ass on a more mental, personal level; as most of you know, my husband and I separated, and we are moving forward with divorce proceedings. He may or may not agree, but I feel like it took my getting to a more stable place in terms of my treatments (thank you, McDicky) to finally realize how far we had grown apart. I was so wrapped up with the next treatment, the next surgery, the next failed drug, cutting off my breasts so I could be around longer for he and I, that when things finally slowed down, I was face-to-face with the countless ways it took its toll on our marriage.
While developing all these shit diseases so soon after we said “I do” is certainly not my fault, it’s impossible not to cast blame on myself. My body failed me, and in turn, led to our failed marriage. To growing resentment. To shattered dreams. Dramatic, perhaps. But hey, this is me, Drama Queen extraoidinaire. As I sit here in my favorite Starbucks typing away ferociously, tears streaming down my face, hating my body for the way it betrayed me. Betrayed US.
The logical part of my brain (no really, I do have one of those!) knows that one person does not a failed marriage make. But, it’s much too easy to think “What if?” and dream of our life without lupus, without cancer, without faulty pulmonary valves, with nipples and a few children of our own.
I never wanted to feel like I was loved despite lupus- despite cancer- despite infertility; I wanted to be loved because of all those things, for being a bad-ass and staying strong when someone else might have thrown in the towel long ago.
Today, our beautiful home is for sale, we’ve sold so many things online that neither of us will have room or use for. I’ve moved into my own apartment (90 seconds away from my sister, of course), and I’ve started using my maiden name for non-legal purposes. I even learned the art of swiping left or right on some dating apps.
Seriously Millenials, is this what’s dating become?!?!?!
Each day becomes a little bit easier, and starting over doesn’t feel quite so daunting or scary.
So 2017, I welcome with you open arms. Please be kind.